Featuring the Saga of Bart - Trials & Tribulations of a Cattle Buyer
Bart was visiting with one of his associates and told this story…
"Last week after the sale, I went to a great Mexican restaurant and had about ten margaritas along with a bottle of red wine. Although under the influence, I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I did something I've never done before... I took a taxi home.
On the way home, there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi, they waved it past and I made it home without an incident. Those damned roadblocks can be anywhere and I realized how lucky I was to have taken a taxi.
What baffles the Hell out of me is that I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it. If you know of anyone who might buy it without a title, have em’ give me a call."
After an especially contentious disagreement with his wife, Bart relocated to a nearby tavern to lick his wounds.
Complaining to his drinking buddies, he said, "My wife doesn't fight fair -- She always gets historical."
One of his friends responded, "Don't you mean hysterical?"
"NO... Historical, Bart said. "No matter what I've done, she always says 'This is just like all those other times you'..."
Bart rushed into a bar and ordered a double whisky. With a worried look, he asked the bartender, "Do you happen to know how tall penguins grow?"
"Between 2 and 3 feet tall" answered the bartender.
"Are you sure?" Bart asked.
"Positive" said the bartender.
"Damn" Bart muttered. "I think I just ran over a nun."
After an intense fight caused by Bart forgettiing their wedding anniversary for the 3rd time in 5 years, his wife cried out in total frustration,
"Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?"
"That's no mystery" Bart snorted. "Guys like that already have boyfriends."
The court was listening to the testimony of Bart's wife, who was seeking a divorce.
"Tell me explicitly," the judge directed the woman, "What fault you have found with your husband."
The wife was explicit, "He's a liar, a brute, a thief, and a brainless fool!"
"Tut, tut!" the judge remonstrated. "I suspect you would find difficulty in proving your assertions."
"Prove it!" was her retort. "Everybody knows it."
"If you knew it," his honor demanded sarcastically, "Why did you marry him?"
"I didn't know it before I married him."
Bart couldn't take anymore and interrupted angrily, "She did too," he shouted. "She did so!"
The Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards received a complaint that Bart was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
In a demanding tone, the agent said, "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."
Bart replied, "Well, there's two hired hands I pay $250 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board. I do buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life and he gets to sleep with my wife occasionally.
Sensing an opportunity to assess a big fine, the agent said, "That's the guy I want to talk to... The mentally challenged one."
Bart answered, "That would be me."
Bart's wife was suspicious that Bart was wandering again and decided to conduct a test. At 2 o'clock in the morning, she suddenly sat up in bed and yelled, "Oh No -- My husband's home -- RUN for your life."
Bart catapulted out of bed, leaped out a closed window, and along with broken glass, crashed into the ground. Within a nano-second, he vaulted to his feet and as he gained speed, he smashed through a thorny hedge and then sprinted into the darkness and out of sight.
About 5 minutes later, bleeding and gasping for breath, he stormed into the bedroom and screamed at his wife, "I AM your husband."
"We both know that," she answered icily. "But what I'd like to know is why you ran like a rabbit chased by a pack of coyotes."
Bart awoke in a hospital bed in a body cast from head to toe. His associate, Jack, stood gravely at the foot of the bed.
"What happened?" moaned Bart.
"You don't remember?" asked Jack. "After we received those cattle and got the trucks on the road, we ended up at a party at the hotel. We had a few beers -- Well, more than a few. Anyway, by 2:00 AM, you were standing on a 3rd floor balcony rail proclaiming you were going to fly around the building."
"But you're my best friend! Why didn't you stop me?" whined Bart.
"Well, you see," said Jack, "At the time, I thought you could do it."
After spending several hours in one of his branch offices, Bart crossed the street to visit another of his favorite establishments. As he entered, he was feeling extremely attractive and charming and his gaze immediately locked onto an attractive woman sitting alone at the bar. He slithered up behind her, tapped her on the shoulder, and when she turned, he kissed her.
She stared at him with a look of shock and astonishment and Bart said, "Sorry about that, Darlin', I thought you were my wife."
Over the shock, the woman responded with anger and contempt, "You low-life -- Get away from me."
Not the least bit deterred, Bart purred, "That's amazing. You sound just like her too."
When Bart got home, he found his wife engrossed in reading the newspaper.
"What's so interesting?" Bart asked, slightly annoyed at her lack of attention to him.
"Reading about a poll of 2,500 local women and what they most want in life," his wife replied.
Bart grabbed the paper out of her hands and began speed-reading through the article.
"What are you doing?" his wife demanded.
Incredulous, Bart answered, "What do you think I'm doing? I'm making sure they spelled my name right."
On a dark night, Bart stumbled out of a country bar a little after midnight and took a wrong turn. Instead of going to his car, he headed downhill towards the nearby creek. About 50 feet before he got to the creek, he hit a lone standing tree head-on. He got up, did a 360, and WHAM -- He hit the tree again. This happened 3 or 4 more times. His nose was bleeding, one eye was swelling shut, and his face generally looked like he'd shaved with a rasp.
In pain and frustration, he wailed mournfully, "Damn the luck -- Promised the wife I'd be home early and now I'm lost in a forest."
Bart partnered with some guys with money to lease and stock a ranch. Bart's contribution to the deal was his "expertise" and he hired a Mexican crew to go around the fences. He loaded the crew foreman into his pickup to show him around.
The Mexican asked how big the ranch was, and in a boastful tone, Bart answered, "Amigo, you can drive this pickup for an hour and still not make it to the backside of the ranch."
The Mexican said, "I understand, Senor -- I used to have a pickup like that."
At 1:30 AM, Bart was headed home from one of his patented "business meetings" and was stopped by a policeman for failing to signal a lane change.
The officer said, "Sir, I'm going to let you off with a warning. By the way -- Where are you going at this time of the night?"
Bart said, “I am going to attend a lecture about alcohol abuse and consorting with wild women and the detrimental effects they have on marriages”.
The officer asked, “Really? Who's giving that lecture this late?”
Matter of factly, Bart replied, “My wife.”
Bart badly misjudged the market, contracted several thousand calves way too high, and was now completely broke. Taking pity on him, a local rancher hired him as a ranch hand to give him a chance to get back on his feet.
The rancher asked, "Do you have a saddle?"
Bart answered, "No, I had to sell about everything I owned."
Taking him out to the tack room, the rancher said, "Here's a saddle you can use. You'll be doctoring calves in the pasture, so you'll need a rope. Get one from those hanging over there on the wall."
Trying to appear knowledgeable, Bart carefully examined several ropes before choosing one, and then asked, "What are you using for bait?"
Following the conclusion of the special feeder cattle sale, Bart and several of his associates regrouped at a local tavern to exchange insults, exaggerations, and lies.
When the waitress came to the table to take their orders, Bart said, "I'll have a Bin Laden Special."
Accepting her fate, the waitress looked tiredly at the ceiling and said, "OK Bart - I'll play your little game. What is a Bin Laden Special?"
"Why Darlin', its real simple," Bart said. "It's two shots and a splash of water."
Bart partnered with another cattle buyer on a big deal, and when the deal closed, they took their wives out to dinner to celebrate. The other cattle buyer noticed that each time Bart spoke to his wife, he addressed her with terms of endearment such as "Darlin", "Sweetheart", "Honey", etc.
When the wives were away from the table, the other cattle buyer remarked that it was really nice that after all of the years or marriage, Bart still called her the little pet names.
Looking around to make sure no one was listening, Bart responded, "She seems to like it, but actually the reason is that I keep forgetting her name."
The washing machine at Bart's house had a meltdown and his wife replaced it with a new washer/dryer combination leaving them with a dryer still in good working condition. Bart asked his wife, "What are you going to do with the old dryer?
She responded, "I'm going to put a sign on it saying 'In Good Working Condition - Take It If You Need It' and set it out on the lawn next to the street. There's bound to be a young couple just starting out that can use it."
However, a week later the dryer was still out on the lawn and Bart decided it was time for him to work his magic. He told his wife, "Twenty years of tradin' cattle has taught me all there is to know about people and marketing. Asking nothing for something tells people it's worth nothing. Watch the master and learn."
Bart proceeded to change the sign to read, "Outstanding Dryer with Lots of Years of Dependable Service Remaining. ONLY $99.95"
When he got home that evening, he noticed the dryer was gone so he entered the house and triumphantly asked his wife, "Who's the best and why am I ? Tradin' dryers is no different than tradin' cattle. How much did you get for it ?"
With a smirk on her face, she said, "Nothing."
Bart exploded, "What did you do? Give it away when you had a cash customer?"
Trying her best not to laugh, she answered, "I have to hand it to you, Bart -- You really know people and marketing. Someone stole it."
Bart had a falling-out with the insurance company that carried his livestock bond and was filling out an application for a bond with a different company. One section on the application asked:
Have you been convicted of a felony? There was a box labeled "NO" followed by a box labeled "Yes" with an area labeled "Why" to provide details in the event the applicant had been convicted of a felony.
Bart checked "NO", and then in the "Why" section below the "Yes" box, answered honestly:
"Never been caught."
Bart strolled into a jewelry store on a Friday evening with an attractive blonde at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his companion.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. Shaking his head, Bart said, "I'd like to see something more special."
With $$$$ in his eyes, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said. The woman's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Smiling fondly at the blonde, Bart said decisively, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and Bart stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pickup the ring Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler phoned Bart and nervously said, "Sir, your bank just advised me there are insufficient funds in your account to cover your check."
"Yeah, I know," said Bart, "But I had a real good weekend."
Bart woke up with the realization it was his birthday. He headed downstairs for breakfast hoping his wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday” and possibly have a gift for him. As it turned out, she was getting ready to leave and only said, “Jane called yesterday and needs you to be at her office this afternoon at 4:30 with your records so she can get your bond renewed.”
Jane was one of Bart’s wife’s best friends and owned the insurance agency that handled Bart’s bond. Promptly at 4:30, Bart was there with a couple of boot boxes stuffed with his records from last year. Jane sorted through the contents, asked a few questions, and then said, “I’ll look this over tomorrow and call if I have any more questions. I noticed today’s your birthday and it’s about quitting time. Let’s go have a drink.”
They had a couple of drinks and on the way back to her office, Jane told Bart that she needed to stop by her house. When they arrived, she invited him in and said, “I need to go into the bedroom for just a moment. Make yourself comfortable.”
She went into the bedroom, and after a couple of minutes, came out carrying a huge birthday cake. She was followed by his wife and dozens of his friends all singing “Happy Birthday.”
Bart broke into tears as he sat on the couch in his underwear.
The sale was over and Bart and his associates congregated at a nearby watering hole. They slid some tables together and it was bedlam with people coming and going and all talking at the same time. A cell phone rang and Bart snatched it up, engaged the hands-free speaker-function and answered. Everyone at the table stopped talking to listen.
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Is the sale over?"
Woman: "I'm at the mall and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Can I buy it?"
Bart: "Sure... Go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership. I saw one I really liked."
Bart: "How much?"
Bart: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $700,000."
Bart: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but only for $650,000."
Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
Bart: "Bye, I love you, too."
Bart ended the call and there was complete silence as everyone stared at him with astonishment and awe. Bart held up the phone and innocently asked. “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
At 1:00, the auctioneer announced they were going to run dairy cattle for about an hour. Bart and several of his associates took advantage of the opportunity to eat lunch in the sale ring’s café. One of the guys mentioned that his wedding anniversary was rapidly approaching and he was under intense pressure to get the right gift, since he forgot it last year.
Talking about his anniversary reminded him of something and he said, “As I recall, Bart, your anniversary is this month too. You gonna do anything special?”
With a far away look in his eyes, Bart replied, “Two years ago, I took my wife out to Las Vegas. I’m thinking this year I might go back and get her.”
Bart was at one of his branch offices, this one more commonly know as the “No Dogs Allowed Inn” when a guy stormed in, sat down next to him, and said, “I want some of my money back on that load of steers I bought from you on Wednesday.”
Bart studied the guy a moment and asked, “Was the head count wrong or were some of them sick coming off the truck?”
“No,” the guy said.
Bart asked, “Are any of them blind, crippled, or locoed?”
Impatiently, the guy said, “NO – They’re healthy and doing fine.”
“Well then,” Bart said. “What’s the problem?”
Indignantly, the guy answered, “They’re telling me that some of them don’t have enough frame to gain well, the shrink should have been 3% instead of 2%, and the slide should have been higher on the deal.”
Bart sipped his drink and fired up a Marlboro, before responding, “You came out and looked at those steers. They were in a 40 acre trap and you saw every one of them. As for the shrink and slide, I always try to make the best deal for myself as I can because I assume the other guy is trying to do the same. Your signed contract is on my dashboard. If you’re going to be in the cattle business, you need to learn that just because you got out-traded, you weren’t cheated.”
During a lull in the action while the ring was emptied of cattle and the next group brought in, the auctioneer read from a note he had just received, "Hey guys, a gentleman lost his wallet and is offering a $2,000 reward if you find it."
Bart immediately deduced there must be a wad of cash in the lost wallet and he began frantically waving at the auctioneer who asked, "Did you find it, Bart?"
"Nope" Bart said. "I'm bidding $2,500."
Although Bart viewed it as an occupational hazard, his recent DWI had been a major inconvenience. In addition to a 30 day suspension of his driver’s license and a significant fine, he also had to complete a Substance Abuse course, including passing a final exam.
Only a few minutes into the test, Bart realized that he should have studied a little more. Decades of playing high-stakes poker and making high-pressure cattle trades had conditioned him not to panic. He shrewdly attached a $100 bill to the back of his test with a note reading, “$1 per point” and with a knowing wink to the instructor, confidently handed in his test.
A week later, Bart received the test results in the mail. He tore open the envelope and found his test results and $61.00 in cash.
Bart was explaining his 'Buffalo Theory' to a young cattle buyer. "You see, Chad, it's like this -- A buffalo herd can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is attacked by predators, it's the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members."
He took several sips of his beverage, primarily Jack Daniels, before continuing, "In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. So, consuming copious amounts of alcohol on a regular basis eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's how I've been able to keep myself so savvy and sharp."
Bart was receiving cattle several hundred miles from home and was in the motel lounge the night before. He couldn’t help but notice an attractive woman sitting alone at the end of the bar.
He slithered over, sat down next to her, and suavely asked, “Where have you been all my life?"
"Well," she said, "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born."
Bart promised his wife he would be home from a sale 30 miles away in time to go to her office Christmas party. However, he managed to stumble in after midnight and this led to a huge argument. They ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally, on the 6th day, Bart asked her where one of his shirts was.
"Oh," she said, "So now you're speaking to me."
Confused, Bart asked, "What are you talking about?"
"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for six days?" she challenged.
"No," he said sincerely, "I just thought we were finally getting along."
Bart had been on the road for 2 weeks finishing the fall run and when he got home, he made dinner reservations at a fine restaurant for his wife and himself. When he went to see why his wife was taking so long getting ready, he found her standing in front of a full-length mirror in the bedroom.
“Bart, I look fat, ugly, and old. Everything is going wrong with my body” she stated matter of factually.
Now, if there is anything Bart knows better than cattle and the cattle market, it is women. He instinctually realized she was expecting a compliment and the evening would be a living Hell if he failed to deliver.
“Darlin’, that’s just not true,” he said in his most soothing tone. “Why, your eyesight is still darned near perfect.”
Late one evening, Bart heard some strange noises outside. He peered out the back door and saw 2 or 3 guy stealing things out of his barn.
He phoned the police and was asked, "Have they made an attempt to enter your house?"
Slightly miffed by the question, Bart replied, "No -- But they haven't emptied the barn yet."
The dispatcher said all patrols were busy, but she would send the first one that was available.
Bart waited a minute and called the police again, "I called you a minute ago because there were people in my barn. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot all the SOB's!" Then he hung up.
Within five minutes, 3 police cars, a Swat team, and 2 ambulances showed up at Bart's and caught the burglars red-handed.
Accusingly, the officer in charge said to Bart, "I thought you told the dispatcher you shot them."
Unconcerned, Bart replied, "I thought she said there weren't any units available."
As usual, Bart was running late. He was speeding down a country road, and when he came to an intersection with a STOP sign, he slowed down to check for traffic and then accelerated through the intersection. Unfortunately, the time-saving technique was witnessed by a deputy sheriff who pulled Bart over.
After checking Bart's license, registration, and proof of insurance, the deputy said, "Sir, I'm going to issue you a citation for failure to stop."
Exasperated, Bart snarled, "Look here, Officer -- We're the only ones around for miles. I slowed down enough to see no traffic was coming. You need to use some common sense."
Without a word, the officer whacked Bart's head three times in quick succession with his night stick and then said, "Sir, let me test your common sense -- Should I slow down or stop?"
Todd hung up the phone and told his friend, “He got me again. That was the feedyard -- The “Angus & Black Baldy” steers I bought from Bart got there and they’re every color in the spectrum and every breed known to mankind including a healthy dose of what they’re guessing might be polled Longhorns. I’m gonna kill Bart when I find him.”
His friend laughed and said, “You know you won’t stay mad at ol’ Bart. Tell me this – If you only had 2 rounds in your gun and you went into a room and there was a rattlesnake, Osama bin Laden, and Bart, what would you do?”
“That’s easy,” Todd said without hesitation, “I’d shoot Bart twice.”
Out of the blue, an old girlfriend Bart hadn't seen for years called him.
After they had visited a while, she said, "I'd love to see you, Bart. Do you ever get down this way anymore?"
"Well, darlin', you're in luck," Bart purred, "I have to look at some cattle down that way next week. But you have to realize I'm a little grayer than the last time you saw me and I've put on about 15 pounds."
With a girlish laugh, she said, "That's not so bad. I've gained a lot more than that."
Bart hung up the phone.
Bart completed a 6 hour business meeting at one of his branch offices, this one more commonly known as The Last Chance Bar & Grill.
When he got in his car to start home, he was astounded at what he found. He called the police department, and with a tone of fury combined with indignation, he yelled, "My Lincoln has been vandalized. They stole the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator !!!"
However, before a unit could be dispatched to the crime scene, the phone rang a second time at the police department and Bart was on the line.
"Never mind about that vandalism report," he said, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
The farther south Bart drove, the more worried he became. He sold 1,000 Mexican steers to a feedyard and they insisted he had to be at the border when the cattle were crossed. His concern was that with all of the recent border violence, combined with his innate ability to be at the wrong spot at the right time for a disaster, it was likely something really bad was going to happen to him.
By the time he reached the border town, Bart was as nervous as a deer on a firing range. With his survival instincts at a fever pitch, he astutely checked into a motel with an adjoining restaurant that was farthermost from the border. And with a bunker mentality that rivaled Hitler's, Bart vowed that after he had dinner, he was going to seclude himself in his room for the night. While eating, he struck up a conversation with a guy at the next table.
"You ever think about moving to a safer place to live?" Bart asked.
The man replied, "A lot of what you see on the news is exaggeration. It's just not that bad down here. My wife and I live in a nice neighborhood, our kids go to excellent schools, and we have good jobs."
Greatly relieved, Bart asked, "What do you do here?"
The guy answered, "I'm the tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
After years of marriage filled with constant strife, Bart's wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?"
Bart stared blankly at the picture on the opposite wall while his wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all of his transgressions and faults. After 15 minutes of listening, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately, and sat her back down.
She was speechless.
The marriage counselor looked over at Bart and said, "Your wife NEEDS ROMANCE at least twice a week!"
Bart responded immediately... "I can have her here on Mondays and Thursdays."
Bart was receiving cattle, and the night before delivery, he drove to the small town and got a motel room so he could be at the pens early the next morning. After dinner, he found himself in the motel lounge where a man was shooting pool by himself. Now, Bart had spent several decades honing his bar room pool-shooting skills and not one to squander an opportunity, he slithered over and asked the man if he would like some competition. The man agreed and they played two games, each winning a game.
Bart said, "Looks like we're about evenly matched. Would you like to make it interesting? Say the best 2 out of 3 for $50.00."
The man agreed and when Bart let him have the break, the man missed on his third shot. As Bart deftly chalked his cue stick, he surveyed the table. He then ran the table, broke on the second game, and ran the table again.
As Bart was pocketing the $50, he asked, "What do you do around here?"
The man replied he was the priest at the local Catholic church.
Even Bart was flustered by the answer and he mumbled a half-hearted offer to return his winnings.
The priest said, "No -- You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings. But if you're not feeling good about yourself, you could come to church on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."
A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager." No response.
The usher left and shortly returned with the manager. Together, they tried to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"
"Bart," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Bart?"
With pain in his voice, Bart replied, "The balcony."
Because Bart had experienced more close calls than the average man, he spent a lot more time reflecting on his mortality. In one of these moments, he said to his wife, "Darlin', if I die, I'm guessing you'll remarry and that's OK. But promise me you'll sell all of my possessions first. I can't stand the thought of some other jerk using my things."
With a steely look in her eyes, she responded, "What makes you think I'll marry another jerk?"
Bart was trying to reassure an irate rancher from whom he had bought several loads of cattle the previous week.
“I understand completely, Mr. Jones,” Bart purred. “I’d be a little riled too if I got a check back for over $100,000 marked Insufficient Funds. First thing Monday morning, I’ll wire that money to you. But it wasn’t my account that was short. You know how this economy is. -- It was the bank that had Insufficient Funds.”
Bart had been slipping in and out of a coma for several days. Things looked grim, but his wife was by his bedside every single day. One day, as he slipped back into consciousness, Bart motioned for her to come nearer. She pulled the chair up to the bed and leaned closer to be able to hear him.
"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "You've been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. Every time I went broke, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. And now with my health problems, you are still by my side. And you know what?"
"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.
"I'm thinking you're bad luck."
Bart was going to look at a big string of yearlings and was flying low down an unfenced country road when he came onto a group of cattle crossing the road. Despite his best efforts, he ran over a heifer calf. The damage to his car was negligible but the calf was obviously dead.
The owner drove up, looked the situation over, and said, "Mister, looks like you just bought a heifer calf."
Bart apologized for the mishap and asked, "How much was she worth?"
"Well, today she was worth about $300.00, but she was a really good heifer and I would have kept her as a replacement heifer. Two years from now, she'd be worth all of $1,200.00."
Bart was running late and didn't want lose more time arguing, so he made out a check for $1,200.00 and gave it to the rancher.
After Bart had sped away, the rancher noticed the check was post dated for 2 years.
On a hot summer afternoon, Bart was putting out salt blocks on a place he had leased near town. He pulled up to a pond and immediately noticed a nearby tree draped with feminine clothing and four college-age girls taking a swim.
One of the girls shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
Bart replied, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond -- I just came by to feed my alligators.”
Bart slithered into his favorite bar and ordered a drink. The bartender noticed Bart kept looking over his shoulder and appeared to be nervous, so he asked him if anything was wrong.
"I'm a little stressed," Bart admitted. "Actually, I'm scared out of my mind -- Some ticked-off husband put a note in my pickup and said he would kill me if I didn't stop messing around with his wife."
"So stop," the barkeep said.
"How can I ?" Bart asked, totally frustrated. "The fool didn't sign his name !!!"
The years had passed by and it was time for the cattle buyer to send his son off to college. He told the boy, "Son, you can take the old blue pickup. Its not fancy, but its dependable. And take ol' Jake... That crazy dog will keep you company. He's always in my way and follows me everywhere I go, even when I go to town."
His son took to college life like a duck to water. Within 45 days, he had partied away all the money that was supposed to last the whole semester. In a bind, the boy called his cattle buyer... "Dad, you won't believe this. One of my professors says Jake is so smart that he can teach him to talk. But it will cost $1,000.00 for his time.
Being as astute businessman, the cattle buyer quickly grasped the fact that a dog that could talk would be worth $millions. "Son, I'll send you a check today."
After another month and a lot of partying, the boy was broke again. So he called the cattle buyer, "Dad, that professor has Jake talking like he's been doing it all his life. And get this... For another $1,000, the professor thinks he can teach him to read."
Now, a dog that can talk and read if worth a lot more than a dog that can just talk and the cattle buyer realized this. "Son, I'll send you another check today."
By the time the boy had blown the $1,000, it was time for the Thanksgiving break, so with a lot of misgivings, he started home. About 100 miles from the house, his fertile mind came up with a strategy that he hoped would save his life.
He called his dad from his cell phone... "Dad, Jake and I are a couple of hours away. But there's a problem... As we were going down the road, out of the blue, Ol' Jake looked up from the newspaper he was reading and told me he was really going to be glad to get home so he could tell Mom about all those other women he's seen you with."
There was a moment of dead silence and then the cattle buyer said, "Son, you listen to me and do exactly what I tell you... Pull over, throw that dog out of the pickup, and you shoot that lying SOB."
A cattle buyer was driving across a high bridge in Texas. As he neared the middle of the bridge, he noticed a young man climb onto the railing getting ready to jump.
The cattle buyer screeched to a halt, rolled down his window and said, "Hey buddy - Don't jump. It can't be that bad."
The guy said, "Its that bad."
In the soothing tone he normally reserved for trying to buy yearlings for $5 under the market from grieving widows , the cattle buyer said, "Think of your wife and children."
The guy replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."
"Well, then", said the cattle buyer, "Think about your poor mother and your dad."
Sobbing, the young man said, "Mom and Dad are both dead. I'm going to jump."
Desperate, the cattle buyer blurted out, "Well, think of the Alamo."
The guy replied, ''What's the Alamo?''
"You dumb-ass Yankee," snorted the cattle buyer... "Go ahead and jump."
A cattle buyer went into a jewelry store and bought an expensive locket as a birthday present for his girlfriend.
"Do you want her name engraved upon it ?" asked the jeweler.
The cattle buyer thought for a moment and replied, "No name, but engrave ~To My One And Only Love~ on it. Sooner or later, we'll break up and there's a good chance she'll be so mad that she will throw everything at me that I ever gave her. And if she does, I can use it again."
Just because Slim was a cattle buyer didn't mean he wasn't a good Christian. In fact, Slim rarely missed going to Church. His church had a gossip, Bertha, who was the self-appointed monitor of the congregation's morals. She was constantly sticking her nose into others people's business. Most of the members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Slim of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Slim, in front of the entire congregation, that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing.
Slim, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Slim quietly parked his pickup in front of Bertha's house, walked home, and left it there all night.
Two cattle buyers hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They each bagged two moose.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot told them the plane could take only two moose and that they would have to leave two.
The cattle buyers objected strongly. Bart told the pilot, "Hell, last year we shot four moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
Ace chimed in, "Yeah, but then he was a damned good pilot."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded. Unfortunately, even at full power, the plane couldn't handle the load and went down shortly after takeoff.
Climbing out of the wreckage, Ace asked Bart, "Any idea where we are?"
Bart replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
A lawyer, an oilman, and a cattle buyer were sitting in a bar in San Antonio. The view of the river was fantastic, the beer was ice cold, and the food exceptional.
"But," said the lawyer, "I still prefer the beer joints back in Austin. There's one place where the owner goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy 4 beers, he will buy the 5th."
The oilman said "Well, at my local bar in Houston, the owner will buy your 3rd drink after you've bought 2."
"Hell, that's nothin'," the cattle buyer responded." Up in Dallas, there's this bar where the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink and keep them coming all night. Then when you've had enough to drink, you go upstairs for a little romantic activity. And it's all on the house."
The lawyer and the oilman immediately doubted the cattle buyer's claims.
"And this actually happened to you?" asked the lawyer.
"No, not myself personally," admitted the cattle buyer. "But it did happen to my wife."
Bart badly misjudged the market, contracted a big string of calves way too high, and was now completely broke. Taking pity on him, a local rancher hired him as a ranch hand to give him a chance to get back on his feet.
The rancher asked, "Do you have a saddle?"
Bart answered, "No, I had to sell about everyting I owned."
Taking him out to the tack room, the rancher said, "Here's a saddle you can use. You'll be roping calves and doctoring them, so you'll need a rope. Get one from those hanging over there on the wall."
Trying to appear knowledgeable, Bart carefully examined several ropes before choosing one, and then asked... "What do you use for bait?"
A lawyer was pheasant hunting and he shot and dropped a bird. It fell into a cattle pasture on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly cattle buyer drove up and asked the lawyer what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "What the Hell does it look like I'm doing? I shot a pheasant and it fell in this pasture and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The cattle buyer replied, "I don't care for your attitude. This is my property and I want you gone."
The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in the country and if you don't let me get that pheasant, I'll sue you for everything you own."
The cattle buyer said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle disputes around here. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What's that?"
The cattle buyer replied, "Well, because the dispute occured on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old cattle buyer slowly climbed out of his pickup and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the cattle buyer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."
The cattle buyer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up... You can have the pheasant."
Two cattle buyers from Oklahoma were on a trip to Central Texas to look at a set of cows when they were pulled over by a State Trooper. The trooper walked up and tapped on the driver-side window with his nightstick. The cattle buyer rolled down the window and WHACK, the trooper smacked him in the head with his nightstick.
"What the hell was that for?" the cattle buyer asked.
"You're in Texas, " the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in Texas, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."
The trooper ran a check on the license and the cattle buyer was clean, so he gave him his license back. The trooper then walked around to the passenger side and tapped on the window and the other cattle buyer rolled down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacked him on the head with the nightstick.
"What'd you do that for?" the cattle buyer demanded.
"Making your wish come true," replied the trooper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the cattle buyer asked.
"I know you cattle buyer types," The trooper said. "A hundred feet down the road, you're would've turned to your buddy and said... "I wish that SOB would've tried that on me!"
J.W. had been so busy trying to put together some big cattle deals that he forgot his wedding anniversay for the 10th time in 14 years. After 3 days of his wife not speaking to him, he decided to make a valiant attempt to get back on her better side.
J.W. purred, "Honey, I'd like to buy you a new SUV."
"I don't need a new SUV," she said. "Besides, they get lousy gas mileage."
Taking the rebuff in stride, J.W. said, Well, then let's go to Las Vegas for several days."
She looked him straight in the eye and said in a tone dripping with sarcasm, "With you? I don't think so."
Now, getting desparate, J.W. whined, "Isn't there something I can give you that'll make you happy?"
"Yes, there is," she said. "A divorce."
"C'mon Honey, be reasonable," J.W. pleaded, "You know I can't afford that."
The cattle buyer suspected his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the cattle buyer could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. "Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He said to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens.” In a normal tone he asked, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response... So the cattle buyer moved ten feet closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeated, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response... Next he moved into the dining room where he was about 20 feet from his wife and asked, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again, no response... Then he walked up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again, there was no response... So he walked right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Dammit Bart! For the fifth time... WE'RE HAVING STEAK!"
The cattle buyer was at his favorite watering hole and flirting with his favorite cocktail waitress when a loud argument started at a nearby table. The argument was about why oil prices keep going higher.
The cattle buyer listened for a few moments, and never being shy about sharing his opinions, he slid his chair over the table and joined the discussion…
“You guys have it all wrong. It’s really pretty simple how we came to have an oil shortage here in America… Nobody bothered to check the oil.”
He continued, “We just didn't know we were getting low in production and refining capacity. The reason for that is purely geographical. Most of our oil production is located in Alaska, California, Louisiana, Oklahoma, New Mexico, and Texas.”
“And our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, DC.”
The cattle buyer got in his Escalade, drove to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 years old opened the door.
"Is your pa home?" asked the cattle buyer.
"No, sir, he ain't", the boy said. "He went to town."
"Well ," said the cattle buyer, "Is your ma here?"
"No sir, she ain't here neither. She went to town with Pa."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?
"He went with Ma and Pa."
The cattle buyer stood there, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools is, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Pa?"
"Well," said the cattle buyer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your pa. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.
The boy considered for a moment... "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps ya any, I know he charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar. But I really don't how much he charges fer Howard."
A police officer stopped a cattle buyer for speeding and asked to see his driver's license.
Indignantly, the cattle buyer replied, "You guys need to get your act together... Yesterday, you took my license away and today you expect me to show it to you."
A cattle buyer died and found himself in Hell. As he was moping around and complaining that he'd never done anything bad enough to end up in Hell, Satan approached and asked what was wrong.
"What do you think is wrong? I'm in Hell." answered the cattle buyer. Satan said, "Well, it's not so bad down here. Let me ask you... Are you a drinking man?" "Yes, I like to drink some" said the cattle buyer. "Well, on Mondays, all we do here is drink. Beer, vodka, wine, whiskey, you name it. We drink until we get sick and then we drink some more," responded Satan . "That sounds pretty good" the cattle buyer replied.
"Do you smoke?" asked Satan . "Yes, I smoke," said the cattle buyer. "Well, on Tuesdays all we do here is smoke" Satan said, "Cigarettes, cigars, pipes, all of it. And the great part is is that you don't have to worry about lung cancer because you're already dead." The cattle buyer said, "That's a pretty good deal"
"How about drug use?" Satan asked. "Well, yes, I have tried drugs different times" said the cattle buyer. Proudly, Satan said, "On Wednesdays, all we do is drugs... Pot, coke, heroin. And the best part is you don't have to worry about an overdose because you're dead." The cattle buyer said, "All right, this might not be so bad"
Then Satan asked," Do you gamble?" "Yes, I like to gamble", replied the cattle buyer "On Thursdays, we gamble. We play poker, craps, roulette, slots, everything. And if you go broke, who cares. You're dead," Satan said with a smirk. "I think I'm gonna like it down here." said the cattle buyer.
"Let me ask you this... Are you homosexual?" asked Satan. Cautiously, the cattle buyer answered, "No, I'm definitely not." "Well, you're gonna hate Fridays then."
A cattle buyer was stopped by a Highway Patrol Officer for driving erratically...
Turn up the volume on your speakers and click on the link below to see what transpired. Played by your computer's media player... Give it a few seconds to load.
The cattle buyer had been promising his wife for several months that he would cut up a stack of old fence posts for firewood. After the first snow of the year, he decided it would be easier to cut up the posts than to listen to his wife complaining about not having any wood.
He went out to the shop and got a saw. It took him 10 minutes to cut 1 piece with the hand saw and he was so out of breath, he had to lean against a tree to stay on his feet. After he got his breath, he headed to town and went to the hardware store. They sold him a new chain saw and assured his that he could cut a cord a day with the saw.
He got home and went to work. But it took him 20 minutes with the chain saw to make 1 cut. Cursing all the way, he sped back to town, stormed into the hardware store, slammed the chainsaw down on the counter, and snarled at the clerk, "There's something wrong with this damned saw. I can cut twice as fast with my hand saw."
The clerk said, "I'm sorry, sir. Let's go out back to the lumberyard and I'll see if I can figure out what's wrong."
The clerk clicked the switch to "Run", set the choke, and pulled on the starter rope. The saw started on the first pull.
Startled, the cattle buyer jumped back and shouted, "What in the Hell is all that noise ?"
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was a cowboy and the other a cattle buyer. She checked their references and learned the cowboy was a hopeless womanizer with a drinking problem. The cattle buyer listed his banker as a reference and the banker told the widow that the cattle buyer was honest and hardworking and she would be completely safe having him around.
She hired the cattle buyer and he proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. After a month, the rancher's widow said to the cattle buyer, "You've done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The cattle buyer readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
However one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no cattle buyer. He returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Nervously, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.
"Now take off my bra." With trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Now," she said, "take off my panties."
By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Late one Fall, a cattle buyer was taking delivery of 1,500 yearlings 180 miles away. Because of the number of cattle and several sellers being involved, he took his secretary with him to help with the tallying and paperwork. By the time they got the cattle weighed, loaded, and the trucks on the road, there were a few snowflakes in the air.
The cattle buyer and his secretary stopped at a restaurant to get something to eat and by the time they finished eating, a full fledged blizzard was underway. They started for home, but only went about 20 miles before they came to a road block where the Highway Patrol was turning traffic around because the road was closed due to white-out conditions 50 miles down the road.
They went back to the only motel in town to get a couple of rooms but there was only one room left and it only had 1 bed. They talked it over and decided they didn't have any choice but to share the room. Later that evening, they went to bed and the secretary said, "I'm a little cold... Would you mind getting me an extra blanket?"
The cattle buyer thought a moment and then replied, "You know what... Since we're sleeping in the same bed tonight, maybe we ought to act like we're married."
With a twinkle in her eye, the secretary said, "That doesn't sound like too bad of an idea."
"O.K. then" replied the cattle buyer, "Get up and get your own damned blanket."
A cattle buyer stumbled through the front door of a tavern, staggered up to the bar, and with difficulty, crawled onto a barstool where he swayed back and forth.
After he finally got stablized on the barstool, he yelled at the bartender, "Give me a double shot of your best whisky,"
The bartender politely replied, "Sir, it appears you've had enough to drink. I'm not going to be able to serve you. Let me call you a cab so you get home safely."
Incredulous, the cattle buyer said, "Let me tell you where you can go. I should have known better than to come into this dive."
Gathering all of the dignity he could muster, the cattle buyer weaved his way out of the bar. About 10 minutes later, he wobbled through the side door of the bar and ordered a drink. The bartender again refused to serve him and asked him to leave the bar.
A little later, the cattle buyer came into the bar through the back door and demanded a drink.
The bartender said, "Look buddy... You're drunk and I'm not going to serve you. Now you can either let me call a cab or the police. It's your choice."
The cattle buyer slobbered, "Damn... How many places do you tend bar?"
Bart was walking out to the barn to do chores when he tripped over something that was nearly completely buried. It was an old oil lamp. He dug it out of the ground, rubbed off some of the dirt, and a genie appeared and informed Bart that he would grant him 3 wishes, but 1 month apart.
In addition to being an order buyer, Bart always had some cattle on feed, so he told the genie, "I'd like the fat cattle market to trade at $110 next week."
"As you wish," said the genie.
A month to the day later, Bart rubbed on the lamp again. The genie appeared and said, "What is your 2nd wish?"
Bart replied, "I wish for a $110 fat cattle market next week."
"Wait a minute... Wasn't that your first wish?" asked the genie.
"Yeah, it was," Bart said sheepishly, "But I thought the market was going higher... This time I'll take a $110 bid."
A bartender had the uncanny ability to accurately guess a person's IQ by just looking into his eyes. Last Friday, a well dressed gentlemen came in and ordered scotch and water. The bartender assessed the man's IQ to be 151 and he asked the man his opinion about the global warming controversy and received an intelligent and informed response.
His next customer ordered a Michelob and the bartender guessed his IQ to be 128 and engaged him in a lively discussion about sports.
The next man to come in ordered 3 Wild Turkeys. The bartended looked him in the eye and saw that the IQ was only 88. He asked, "How many years have you been buying cattle?"
A cattle buyer had not been feeling well for about a month or so and went to see a doctor. After a preliminary examination, the doctor asked, "Do you drink?"
The cattle buyer replied, "Some."
The doctor pressed the point, "On an average, how much do you drink per day?"
After some deep thought, the cattle buyer answered, "Oh, I guess about 10 or 12."
The doctor asked, "10 or 12 what?"
Reluctantly, the cattle buyer said... "10 or 12 hours."
A woman decided to have cosmetic surgery, including a facelift and breast implants. She spent $7,500 and felt pretty good about the results. On her way home from the final checkup following the surgery, she decided to celebrate by having dinner at a restaurant. While checking out at the restaurant, she asked the cashier, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32", the cashier replied.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said happily.
Now she was feeling really good about herself and decided to have a drink in the restaurant's lounge.
She was seated and served in the back of the lounge next to a cattle buyer and they began visiting. She asked the cattle buyer, "How old do you think I am?"
Squinting at her, he said, "It's too dark back here to tell by looking. But I know another way to tell your age, but it requires you to let me feel your breasts. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."
Because it was dark and no one was sitting near them, the woman let curiosity get the best of her. She said, "What the Hell... Go ahead."
The cattle buyer slipped both hands up her blouse, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes, she said impatiently, "Okay, okay, enough feeling. How old am I?"
He removed his hands and said, "You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said, "That is amazing! You could really tell by feeling?"
The cattle buyer replied, "Actually, I was behind you in line at the restaurant checkout."
After the local cattle auction was over, Bart stopped at a bar for a drink before he started home. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink, she turned to Bart and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
Bart replied, "Well, I've done my share of herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, but I haven't done much of that in quite a few years. Now, I have an order buying service and mostly just buy and trade cattle."
After a short while he asked her, "What about you... What are you?"
The young lady laughed and said, "Actually, I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
After the girl left, a couple sat down next to Bart, and eyeing his black hat, the man asked, ""Are you a real cowboy?"
To which Bart replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm probably a lesbian."
An old rancher was on his deathbed... Knowing that he probably would not live out the night, the rancher asked a nurse if she would call Ed and Larry, two local cattle buyers, and ask them to come to the hospital.
Ed and Larry walked into the hospital room knowing that their old friend was not long for this world. After thanking them for coming, the rancher asked, "Would you two do me a favor by sitting with me until I die?"
They both answered that they would stay.
Then the rancher asked, "Ed, would you sit on the left side of my bed? And Larry, would you sit on the right side of my bed?"
The cattle buyers seated themselves as the rancher requested.
After about an hour, Ed asked the rancher. "Why do you want us on each side of you?
The rancher replied, "I'm a God fearing man and I would like to die the same way Jesus died... With a thief on each side.
Two cattle buyers went deer hunting and one of them got a really big buck. After dressing him out, each cattle buyer grabbed a hind leg and they started pulling the deer towards their truck.
About halfway to the truck, they met another hunter and he said, "Really nice buck you got there, but I think if you pulled him by his horns, it would be a lot better than dragging him by his hind legs."
The cattlebuyers tried it and after a while one said, "This sure is better. He drags a lot smoother this way."
The other cattle buyer said... "Yeah, but we're getting farther away from the truck."
Two cattle buyers left the bar after a long night of drinking and got into their car. Bart was driving and he started it up. After a couple of minutes of driving, an old man's face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
Jake screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" Bart sped up, but the face stayed in the window. Jed rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got a cigarette?" Jake handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to Bart, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing. Bart said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry... the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," Jake yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. Jake threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"
They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!" Jake rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied, "You guys want some help getting out of the mud?"
On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher asked a little boy if he knew his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "My dad's a cattle buyer and he taught me to how to work with numbers."
"That's good," said the teacher. "Let's see what you know... What comes after three?"
"Four," answered the little boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Your dad did a good job," said the teacher. "Let's try one more... What comes after ten?"
Confidently, the little boy answered... "A jack."
A cattle buyer was on the road and checked into a motel for the night. He went out to dinner, and on his way back to the motel, he stopped at a lounge where he met an attractive woman and ended up going home with her.
The next morning, he noticed a picture of a man on the woman’s dresser and asked, “Who’s the guy in the picture?”
She replied, “Don’t worry about it.”
A little concerned, he asked, “Well, is he your husband?” She said she was not married.
“No, I don’t have a boyfriend.”
“Well, then who in the Hell is it?” demanded the cattle buyer.
The woman replied, “If you have to know, it was me before my operation.”
A prosperous cattle buyer decided he needed to settle down. He had three girlfriends, but couldn't decide which one to marry. He decided to give each of his girlfriends $2,000 and see how they spent the money.
The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She bought new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and told the cattle buyer, "I wanted to look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second girl went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the cattle buyer. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third girl took the $2,000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled the investment, returned the $2,000 to the cattle buyer and reinvested the rest. She said, "I'm investing the rest for our future because I love you so much."
The cattle buyer thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money... It was an agonizing decision, but he finally decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
A cattle buyer bought a load of heifers and before he could get them sold, the market went down, leaving him looking at a significant loss. He decided to keep the heifers and breed them in hope he could recoup his loss by selling them as bred heifers later on. He bought 2 bulls from a nearby rancher and turned them out with the heifers.
In about a week, the cattle buyer saw the rancher in town and said, "I want my money back on those damned bulls you sold me. All they do is eat grass and won't even look at the heifers."
The rancher replied, "I'll sure take them back, but before I do, let me send my vet out to your place to take a look at those bulls."
A week later, the rancher saw the cattle buyer and asked if the vet's visit did any good.
The cattle buyer replied, "The vet did a Hell of job on those bulls. They bred all my heifers, broke through the fence, and bred about half of my neighbor's cows before we could get them out."
"Glad to hear that" said the rancher. "What did the vet do to those bulls?"
"Just gave them some pills," replied the cattle buyer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the rancher.
"Don't know," said the cattle buyer... "But they sort of taste like peppermint."
A grade school teacher was asking students what their fathers did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your father do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "He's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?"
Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amy," said the teacher. "What about your father, Jack?"
Jack stood up and announced, "My daddy is a thief, a drug dealer, and a pimp."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she phoned Jack's house and asked his mother to come to school for a conference. When she arrived, the teacher explained what her son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Jack's mother said, "Jack's father is actually a cattle buyer... But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
Bart, a local cattle buyer, stormed into the office at the County Road Department and demanded to see the foreman.
"I live on County Road 44," fumed Bart, "And I want you to move the "Deer Crossing" sign that's on that sharp curve near Oak Creek."
The foreman asked, "Just why do you want the sign moved?"
"Every time I come home after dark, I nearly hit a deer on that curve because you can't see them until it's almost too late," explained Bart.
"I guess I don't understand," said the foreman, "How will moving the sign help?"
"Not too sharp, are you?" snarled Bart... "If you move the damned sign to a straight part of the road, I'll be able to see the deer in plenty of time."
The cattle buyer and his wife were attending the State Fair and his wife decided to visit a psychic on the midway.
In a dark and hazy tent, peering into a crystal ball surrounded by candles, the mystic delivered grave news…
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the cattle buyer’s wife thought about the years of misery and abuse she had experienced in her marriage. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and then asked the psychic…
"Will I be acquitted?"
Sam had hauled some calves to the sale and by the time they sold and he got his check, it was nearly dark. He knew there was a good chance he would get stopped if his trailer lights weren’t working, so he decided to check them out before starting for home.
Just as he got to his pickup and trailer, he spotted Bart, a local cattle buyer, headed for his Lincoln. Sam yelled, “Hey Bart, give me a hand.”
Bart walked over and Sam asked him to stand behind the trailer and let him know if the lights were working.
“Are the tail lights working?” asked Sam.
“Yeah”, said Bart.
“How about the brake lights?” asked Sam.
“They’re working”, said Bart.
“OK, here goes the left turn signal. Is it working?” asked Sam.
Bart answered, “Yes… No… Yes… No…”
Nancy heard someone drive up and looked out to see Bart, a local cattle buyer, getting out of his car. He came to the door and explained that her husband asked him to look at the steers in the South Pasture. After he had looked at the cattle, Bart stopped at the house and knocked on the door.
When Nancy came to the door, Bart said, "Tell Tom I'll call him tonight about the steers. By the way, Nancy... You just get prettier and prettier. In fact, you look so good, I'll pay you $1,000 if you'll take off your blouse."
Bart was an uncurable flirt who delighted in making women uncomfortable with his outrageous advances and Nancy decided to call his bluff.
She said, "Bart, the screen door's locked and it's going to stay that way. Slide the money under the door."
Bart reached in his pocket, pulled out a roll of money, peeled off ten $100 bills and slid them under the door.
Not about to let Bart back her down, she took off her blouse. Bart peeled off 10 more $100 bills and said, "You can have this $1,000 if you'll take off your bra."
Certain that Bart expected and would truly enjoy it if she reacted with indignant outrage, she said, "Put your money where your mouth is." Bart immediately slid the money under the door.
Figuring she was about to get the best of Bart and $2,000 of his money, Nancy nonchalantly took off her bra, picked up the money, and then closed the door.
That evening, at dinner, Tom asked Nancy, "Did Bart make it out here today?"
Nancy replied, "He did. He was here mid-afternoon, looked at the steers, and said he would call you tonight."
Then Tom asked, "Did he leave $2,000? I loaned him some money last week and he told me this morning he would go by the Bank, get the money, and leave it here this afternoon."
A cattle buyer met an untimely demise. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter was reviewing the cattle buyer’s file.
St. Peter said, “Your file indicates you claim to be a Christian… What can you tell me about the life of Jesus?
Swallowing hard, the cattle buyer responded, "Well, St. Peter, about 2000 years ago, Jesus was born unto the Virgin Mary in a manger. When he grew up, he preached the word of God unto thousands of people. He was then crucified for our sins. They put his body in a tomb. The next day he came out and saw his shadow."
A crusty-looking older gentleman entered the cattle buyer's office, walked up to the receptionist's desk and said… "I need to talk to the damned cattle buyer."
The astonished woman replied, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, dammit. I said I want to talk to the damned cattle buyer... Now," snarled the man.
Indignant, the receptionist responded, "I'm very sorry sir, but I won't tolerate that kind of language." She left her desk and went into the cattle buyer's office and told him what had happened.
Furious, the cattle buyer said, "I'll deal with him... He can't talk to you like that and get away with it."
They both returned to her desk and the cattle buyer asked the man, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There"s no damned problem," the man said. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damned lottery and bought a Helluva big ranch. I need 5,000 head of damned cattle to stock the damned ranch and I want you to buy the damned things for me."
”I see," said the cattle buyer… "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
A cattle buyer was in Mexico looking for cattle and stopped at a cantina for refreshment and dinner. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the aroma was wonderful, so he asked the waiter, "What is that you just served that guy over there?"
The waiter replied, "Ah, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are the bull's testicles from the bullfight.… A delicacy!"
The cattle buyer said, “Sounds good. Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each day. If you come back tomorrow, we will save you this delicacy!"
The cattle buyer returned the next evening and was served the delicacy of the day. After taking a few bites and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called the waiter over and said, "These are delicious, but they're a lot smaller than the ones you served yesterday! Why is that?"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Señor, sometimes the bull wins".
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture and an enterprising bounty hunter decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, sneaked up behind him, put his pistol to the bandit's head, and said, "Let's keep this simple... Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English and the bounty hunter didn't speak Spanish.
A cattle buyer, who traded cattle on the border, was in the cantina at the time. He spoke Spanish and offered to translate the bounty hunter's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the bounty hunter.
The cattle buyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo... You're too stupid to even know how to pull the trigger.'"
About 8:00 in the evening, Bart’s wife sent him to the store to get her some cigarettes. While there, he ran into an old girlfriend and ended up going to her apartment, where he spent the next 4 hours.
When Bart finally realized what time it was, he knew he was in serious trouble. He asked the woman for some talcum powder and proceeded to rub it all over his hands and then headed home to face the music.
When he arrived, his wife was waiting at the door. “Where have you been? I’ve been out of my mind with worry.”
“I’ve done a terrible thing,” said Bart. “I met an old girlfriend and I’ve been unfaithful to you.”
“Don’t lie to me, Bart!!” shrieked his wife. “Your hands are all covered with talcum powder. You’ve been down at the bar drinking and shooting pool.”
Jed was supposed to recieve some cattle in the country and he was running about an hour late. Trying to make up some time, he had his Lincoln up to 110 when a policeman pulled him over.
The policeman said, "Sir, I clocked you at 109 MPH. Is there an emergency?"
"No emergency, Officer," replied Jed. "I was just going with the traffic."
Incredulous, the policeman said, "Sir, from right here, we can see over 2 miles down the road and there's not another car in sight."
"I know," said Jed... "I was trying to catch up."
Bart had been going hard all fall buying cattle and failed to notice that his drivers license had expired. He noticed it in December and went down to get it renewed.
After asking Bart his name and address, the clerk asked, "Date of birth?"
Bart replied, "June 24th."
Impatiently, the clerk asked, "What year?"
Just as impatiently, Bart responded... "It's on June the 24th every year."
A guy was sitting at a bar visiting with the bartender... "Hey, I heard a good cattle buyer joke out at the sale barn."
The bartender said, "Well, before you tell it, I want you to know that I used to be a cattle buyer. And those two big guys sitting next to you... They were linebackers on their college football teams and now they're both order buyers. Are you sure you really want to tell a cattle buyer joke?"
The guy thought for a second and then said, "I guess not... I wouldn't want to have to explain it two or three times."
After a late afternoon consultation, a cattle buyer and his accountant went to a nearby bar for a drink...
The accountant told the bartender, " I'll have a TC."
The bartender said, ''What's that ?"
The accountant said, "You know... a Tom Collins."
The cattle buyer, wanting to exhibit his sophistication, said, "I'll have a 15."
The bartender, starting to lose his patience, said, ''What the Hell is that?"
The cattle buyer said, "You know... Seven & Seven."
A cattle buyer came home late in the afternoon. He sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." Looking puzzled, she brought him the beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but decided to bring him the beer anyway.
When the second beer was gone, he said, "Quick, one more before it starts."
"That's it!" she exploded. "You're gone for days on end and I don't hear from you. You spend most of your time drinking coffee with your cronies or drinking beer with low-bred women and then you waltz in here, flop down, don't even say hello to me, and expect me to run around like your slave."
The cattle buyer muttered, "Damn it... I knew it was going to start."
A cowboy was loading his horse into the trailer that was parked next to the road. A couple from the city were driving by and stopped. After asking some questions about ranching, the woman asked, "Why do you wear that large hat?"
The cowboy responded, "This hat keeps my head warm in the winter and keeps the sun off of my face in the summer."
Then she asked, "What are those leather things you have on over your jeans?"
"Chaps," answered the cowboy, "They protect my legs from the brush that covers a lot of this area."
The man was looking at the cowboy's feet and said, "Why, you're wearing Nike's. I thought real cowboys wore boots."
Gathering all of his dignity, the cowboy said, "Look, Mister, I'm a cowboy... Not a cattle buyer."
Two cattle buyers were talking about the upcoming fall run...
"I'm gonna make some changes this fall," said the first cattle buyer. "Two years ago, I was only home a few days during October and my wife got pregnant. Last October, I was home even less and my wife got pregnant again."
"So what are you gonna change?" asked the second cattle buyer.
"By God, this year I gonna take my wife with me," said the first cattle buyer.
Bart spent a lot of time on the road buying cattle. After several years of marriage, he began to suspect his wife was cheating on him. He purposely returned home a day earlier than his wife expected and stealthily entered the house and caught her in the arms of her lover.
In rage and dismay, he pulled out a pistol and put it to his head.
His wife screamed, "Bart !!! Don't do it. We can work this out."
Bart snarled, "Shut up... You two are next."
A cattle buyer was rushed to the hospital after being run over by a hit-and-run driver. A policeman was there to question him after he was treated.
“It was my wife and mother-in-law who ran me down,” said the cattle buyer.
The policeman replied, “According to the doctor, you were hit from behind. How could you tell it was your wife and mother-in-law?”
The cattle buyer answered… “I recognized their laughs.”
A ventriloquist was hired to entertain at a nightclub and he began with a series of blonde jokes. After the third blonde joke, a cattle buyer stood up and said, "I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes. My girlfriend is blonde and I’m not going to sit here and let you insult her.”
The flustered ventriloquist began to apologize, but the cattle buyer yelled at him, "You stay out of this, mister… I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
Tom called his friend, Bill, and asked him to come over and help him for about an hour. When Bill got there, Tom told him he wanted Bill's opinion on what his yearling steers would weigh.
Bill said, "Tom, you're better at guessing weights than I am... Why do you want my opinion?"
Tom replied, "Bart was here yesterday and made me a bid on the cattle. But he insists they're 40 lbs. heavier than what I think they'll weigh."
Bill snorted and said, "I wouldn't pay much attention to what Bart says... Hell, he could miss a chicken by 10 lbs.
The cattle buyer's wife was fed up with her husband's drinking and carousing, so she decided to try to scare him bad enough while he was in a drunken stupor to make him change his ways. She dressed up like Satan and when her husband stumbled into the house at 2:30 in the morning, she appeared from behind the curtains and moved toward him menacingly, making hissing sounds, and brandishing a pitchfork.
The cattle buyer calmly looked at Satan and then slobbered, "You don't scare me, you SOB... I married your sister."
On a brisk fall morning, Bart was receiving cattle. After the last draft was weighed, Bart and the rancher stepped out of the scale house and heard the unmistakable sound of geese. They looked to the sky and saw a group of geese flying south in the classic "V" formation.
The rancher asked, "Bart, do you know why one side of that "V" is longer than the other?"
Not wanting to show his ignorance, Bart gazed at the "V" while he considered aerodynamics, pecking order, etc., but finally had to admit... "No. I guess I don't."
The rancher said... "Because there's more geese on that side."
A cattle buyer was seated next to an attractive woman on an airplane.
Trying to be friendly, the cattle buyer said, "Where are you from?"
With a withering look, the woman said, "From a place where we are sufficiently educated not to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The cattle buyer sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "I apologise for my poor grammar. Let me rephrase my question... Where are you from, bitch?"
Jake and Bart were on their way to look a big string of cattle when they got caught in a terrible blizzard. In white-out conditions, they pulled into a ranch headquarters and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house, so maybe it would be better if your stayed in the bunkhouse.”
“Not a problem,” said Bart. “The bunkhouse will be fine… If the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”
Come morning, the weather was clear and the cattle buyers got on their way. About nine months later, Jake received an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow that let them stay in her bunkhouse.
He found Bart at his favorite watering hole and asked, “Do you remember that good-looking widow that let us stay in her bunkhouse last winter?”
“I sure do,” replied Bart.
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" Jake asked.
With growing concern, Bart answered cautiously, “Yeah, I guess I did.”
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" asked Jake.
Looking like a deer caught in the headlights, Bart mumbled, “I guess I did that, too. Is there a problem?”
“No problem,” laughed Jake. “She just died… And left me everything.”
The cattle buyer had to be out of town for several days receiving cattle. In the evenings, he frequented the local night spots and his last evening away from home, he struck up a friendship with a young lady that resulted in their driving to his motel and spending the night together.
The cattle buyer got home late the next afternoon, and feeling guilty, offered to take his wife out to dinner. As they were driving to the restaurant, he spotted a high-heeled shoe protruding from under the passenger seat. Using the discipline learned from years of high-pressure cattle trading, he fought back the panic he was feeling and came up with a plan. He proceeded to distract his wife by pointing to something out the passenger window. While she was looking, in one fluid movement that was as quick as a snake and as silent as a hawk in flight, he snatched up the shoe and deftly tossed it out his window.
They arrived at the restaurant a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked... "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"
The rancher stormed into the bar, ordered a double shot, and slammed it down.
The bartender said, "Tom, you okay?"
The rancher replied, "I guess so. I'm just mad. The cattle buyer I sold my cattle to just got to me. If the market wasn't down, I would've run him off the place. You can't trust a cattle buyer any more than a lawyer."
A man at the end of the bar stood up and said, "I resent that statement."
The bartender asked, "You a cattle buyer?"
Indignantly, the man said, "NO... I'm a lawyer."
A cattle buyer was cruising down the Interstate at 90 MPH. He noticed in his rear view mirror that a police cruiser, with red lights flashing, was rapidly gaining on him. The cattle buyer floor-boarded his Lincoln and led the trooper on a 20 mile chase at speeds exceeding 120 MPH. The trooper radioed ahead for a road block to stop the fleeing car.
Seeing the roadblock ahead and realizing the chase was over, the cattle buyer came to a stop. His car was surrounded by law enforment officers with guns drawn and he was removed from the car and handcuffed.
"Sir", the trooper said, "You're in serious trouble. Is there a reason why you refused to stop?"
The cattle buyer said, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you might be him... And wanted to give her back."
A cattle buyer applied for life insurance and the agent was completing the medical history portion of the application...
The agent inquired, "Ever have an accident?" The cattle buyer answered, "Nope."
"Not even one?" asked the agent incredulously. "Nope," the cattle buyer insisted.
The agent said, "I see a scar on your right hand. How did that happen?" The cattle buyer responded, "I was in an old scale house weighing some cattle and a rattlesnake bit me."
"And you don't call that an accident?" said the agent. The cattle buyer answered, "Hell No... That damned snake bit me on purpose."
A guy heard that a local cattle buyer had a blue heeler for sale that could talk. Intrigued, he drove to the cattle buyer's house to investigate. He was met at the yard gate by a blue heeler that said, "Howdy."
Astonished, the guy replied, "It's true... You can talk. Tell me about yourself."
The blue heeler said, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I took a job with the cattle buyer working cattle, got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The cattle buyer came out as the dog was telling his story. When the dog finished, the guy asked the cattle buyer what the dog was worth.
The cattle buyer said, "I'll be lucky if I can get $10 for him."
The guy said, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth do you think he's only worth $10?"
The cattle buyer replied, "Because the dog is a damned liar. Just like now... He never worked for the CIA."
The cattle buyer bought a little place to run a few cattle and horses, but mostly to have a place to get away on weekends. For that reason, the place was 50 miles from the nearest town and 7 miles from the nearest neighbor. One Saturday morning as he was driving around checking on things, he met his neighbor on the fence line. They introduced themselves and visited for a while.
As the neighbor was preparing to leave, he told the cattle buyer, "I'm having a little party at my place tonight. I'd be pleased if you would come." The cattle buyer said he would be there.
Then the neighbor said, "I guess I need to warn you. There will be drugs, alcohol, and kinky sex. Will that offend you?"
The cattle buyer said, "No, I don't think so. I've been around. By the way, how should I dress for this party?"
His neighbor replied, "Dress casual... It's just gonna be you and me."
Three cattle buyers were killed in an auto accident and showed up at the Pearly Gates. The angel on duty took one look at them and said, "Wait here. I'll be right back."
The angel went to St. Peter's office and told him, "There's three cattle buyers at the Pearly Gates and I don't like the looks of them. They must be here by mistake."
In an admonishing tone, St. Peter said, "You know better than to judge people by their looks. Bring the cattle buyers to my office."
The angel returned in a few minutes by himself. St. Peter said, "Where are the cattle buyers?"
The angel replied, "They're gone." Astonished, St. Peter said, "The cattle buyers are gone?"
Yes, your Holiness... And so are the Pearly Gates!"
A cattle buyer and an attorney were sitting next to each other at a bar. They were having a beer and watching the 6 o'clock news. The top story was about a man threatening to jump from a bridge.
The attorney said to the cattle buyer, "I'll bet you $50 that guy jumps." The cattle buyer replied, "Okay, you're on."
Sure enough, the man jumped and the cattle buyer tossed $50 onto the bar in front of the attorney.
The attorney looked at the money and said, "I can't take your money. I watched the 5 o'clock news at my office and they ran this story."
The cattle buyer said, "Hell No... Take it. Fair's fair. I watched the 5 o'clock news here, but I sure didn't think that damned fool would jump again."
A cattle buyer's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.
She told the agent, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, so I'll be by to pick up the check."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Susan replied... "Then I'd like to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."
The cattle buyer drove over 50,000 miles per year, but the only time he spent in cities was on the Interstate as he was passing through. When his son was 6, his wife insisted they go to the "City" to do some Christmas shopping. At a mall, the cattle buyer and his son were amazed by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The little boy asked his father, "What is that, Dad?"
The cattle buyer, never having seen an elevator, responded, "Son, I don't know what it is."
While they were watching, an old lady with a cane slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into a small room. The walls closed and small circles of light, with numbers, lighted up above the wall. They continued to watch the circles light-up in the reverse direction, and then the walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The cattle buyer said... "Son, go get your mother."
The cattle buyer received a DUI citation for drinking and driving and part of the sentence was having to take an alcohol awareness class. At the first class, the instructor wanted to exhibit the toxic nature of liquor, so he produced a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Observe," he told his class as he put a worm in the glass of water. The worm swam about freely and looked as happy as can be. He then put the second worm in the glass of whiskey and it to swam about for a moment, but then went into convulsions, and shortly sank to the bottom of the glass... Dead.
"Now," the instructor asked the class, "What lesson can we learn from this experiment?"
"That's easy," replied the cattle buyer... "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
A cattle buyer was scheduled to be out of town for several days but the deal fell through. That night, he and his wife went to bed about 10:30 and the phone rang at midnight.
The cattle buyer rolled over and answered... "Hello?" "What?" "How the hell should I know… I live in Amarillo."
He hung up and told his wife, who was doing her best not to appear nervous… “What an idiot… Damned fool wanted to know if the coast was clear!"
At 3:00 A.M., an obviously inebriated cattle buyer called the motel front desk and asked what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answered the clerk.
About an hour later, the cattle buyer called again, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asked. "Same time as before... Noon," replied the clerk.
Another hour passed and the cattle buyer called again and slobbered, "What time joo shay the bar opens?" The clerk then answered, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
"No!! I don't wanna git in... I wanna git OUT!!!"
An unemployed cattle buyer was in the welfare office to see if he could get an extension on his jobless benefits. He told his caseworker, “There hasn't been a day go by in the last 3 months that I haven’t been out looking for a job.”
The caseworker replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just received a job listing from a very wealthy man who needs a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year."
After a brief moment of elation, reality sunk in and the cattle buyer said, "I think you’re feeding me a line of bull."
The caseworker said… "Well, you started it."
A cattle buyer went into an auto repair shop and told the parts manager that he'd lost the "seven-hundred-ten" on his Lincoln and needed a new one.
The man said, "I'm sorry, Sir, but I'm not familiar with a part called a 710. What does it do?"
Incredulous, the cattle buyer said, "Hell, I don't know, but every engine has one. You'd think a parts manager would know that."
The man took the cattle buyer into the shop, raised the hood on a car, and asked the cattle buyer to show him the 710.
The cattle buyer pointed and said, "Just like I told you... It's right there."
A cattle buyer and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. A waitress, taking an order at a nearby table, noticed the cattle buyer was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
Amazed, the waitress watched as the cattle buyer, slithering like a snake, slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman replied firmly, "No he didn't… My husband just walked in the door."
A successful businessman’s daughter married a cattle buyer and the father had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show how much we care for you, I've made you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The cattle buyer interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you can work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the cattle buyer. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just gave you half interest in a profitable business, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the cattle buyer… "Buy me out."
A doctor, a lawyer and a cattle buyer were using the restroom in a restaurant...
The doctor finished, washed his hands all the way up to his elbows, and then used about 10 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and we were taught the importance of cleanliness."
The lawyer finished, quickly wet his fingers, and then used the blow dryer mounted on the wall. "I graduated from Harvard and we were taught to conserve resources and to be environmentally conscious."
The cattle buyer finished and as he was walking out the door, he said… "I went to the University of Wyoming and all of its graduates know how to use the restroom without getting it on their hands."
A cattle buyer's wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.
She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.
"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.
"Remember when your father caught us together when you were only 16?" the cattle buyer replied. "And remember he said I had two choices... I could either marry you or spend the next 20 years in prison."
Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember. So?"
"I would have gotten out yesterday."
A reporter was at a cattle auction getting background material for a feature on the cattle industry. She noticed a buyer furiously bidding on the cattle in the ring and was struck by his appearance... Although he was now slightly bent and frail, she could tell he had once been a vibrant and powerful man. The lines on his face showed decades of being in a tough business. She sat down beside him, introduced herself, and explained what she was doing.
"How long have you been buying cattle?" she asked.
"For years, in fact, most of my life," responded the cattle buyer.
"What's been the secret of your longevity?" she inquired.
"Living my life my way... I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and the only exercise I get is from chasing wild women."
"That's amazing," the reporter said. "How old are you?"
The cattle buyer answered... "I'll be 27 next month."
"Did you follow my wife?" the cattle buyer asked the private detective he had hired.
"Yes Sir, I did. I followed her to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant, and then to a motel."
A big smile crossed the cattle buyer's face. "I've got her!" he said. "So there's no doubt what she was doing?"
"No Sir," replied the detective... "It's pretty clear that she was following you."
A priest was preparing a cattle buyer for his final journey...
Whispering urgently, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know that you reject his evil!"
The cattle buyer said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the cattle buyer said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The cattle buyer said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to a woman he knew to be a local cattle buyer's wife kneeling at a grave. She was praying with profound intensity and kept repeating... "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The man approached her and said, "Madam, you don't know me, but I was a friend of your husband. When did he die?
Wiping tears from her eyes, she sobbed, "He didn't die."
The man asked, "Well, for whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The woman took a moment to collect herself, then replied... "My husband's first wife."
The cattle buyer had been going day and night all fall. In fact, he'd been so busy that he had completely neglected his wife for several months. That's why he was so shocked when she informed him that she was pregnant. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
"Was it my friend Sam", he asked.
"No !" his weeping wife replied.
"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.
"NO !!!" she said even more upset.
"Well, which one of my no good friends did this then?" he demanded.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.
A cattle buyer was checking into the hospital to undergo a minor surgical procedure. The admissions clerk was filling out the admissions forms and was asking numerous questions about his health, medical history, and other personal information...
Finally, the clerk said, "Sir, this is the last question. In the event of an emergency, who should we call?"
After several seconds of deep thought, he repied... "911"
After a disasterous night at the casino, the cattle buyer went up to the bar and ordered seven double shots of whiskey. The bartender poured the drinks and then watched in amazement as the cattle buyer downed all seven drinks in a matter of seconds.
The bartender asked, "Hey buddy, what's the hurry?"
With his eyes still watering from his effort, the cattle buyer said, "You'd drink fast too if you had what I have."
With genuine concern, the bartender inquired, "What do you have?"
The cattle buyer swallowed hard, looked up and down the bar, and then said... "A dollar."
For the third time that month, the cattle buyer was checking into the motel near his home...
The night clerk asked, "Trouble with your wife again, Jed?"
"Yeah, and it all started over one of her stupid questions," Jed replied.
Curious, the clerk said, "What did she ask you?"
Jed said, "She asked me what was on the TV."
Intrigued as to how such an innocent question could start a fight, the clerk probed further, "What did you say?"
Jed answered... "Dust."
The mayor was on his way home from work at City Hall when traffic came to a complete stop near the fairgrounds, where the state fair was taking place. The mayor saw a State Trooper walking between the lines of cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the problem?"
The trooper replied, "It's a cattle buyer, Sir. He's so depressed about the lack of respect he receives, and his life in general, that he stopped his car right outside the fairgrounds and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. The ranchers in the halted cars along the expressway are taking up a collection for him."
"Oh really," replied the mayor, "How much have they collected so far?"
"About 300 gallons," said the trooper... "But they're still siphoning."
After a disastrous year, the cattle buyer was going over his investments with a financial adviser...
The adviser said, "I see you bought $1,000 worth of Nortel stock and now it's worth $49. You also bought Enron and your $1,000 is worth $16.50. Your $1,000 investment in Worldcom has a value of $5."
"If you had bought $1,000 worth of Budweiser last year, and I don't mean Budweiser stock, but good ol' Budweiser beer, drank the beer, turned in the bottles for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214 left from the $1,000 investment."
"Based on your past performance, the best investment advice I can give you is to drink heavily and recycle."
Last fall, the cattle buyer spent several weeks in the same motel while he was buying cattle. The last week he was there, he managed to have an affair with the owners' daughter. A year later, hoping to pick up where he'd left off, he returned to the same motel. When he entered the lobby, there sat the girl with an infant on her lap.
"Hello, Jack... Would you like to meet your son?" she said.
Flabbergasted, the cattle buyer said, "Why didn't you let me know?"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a cattle buyer."
A cattle buyer was the defendant in a lawsuit over a cattle trade gone bad. The lawsuit involved large sums of money and the worried cattle buyer was plotting different strategies to help his case. About a week before the trial, he called his lawyer and said, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined! I think I'll send the judge a case of whiskey."
His lawyer shouted, "No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. At best, a dumb stunt like that would guarantee that you lose the case. And he might hold you in contempt of court or even have you charged with attempted bribery."
In the end, the judge decided in favor of the cattle buyer. Estatic over winning, he told his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the whiskey."
Smugly, the lawyer said, "I'm sure we would have lost if you hadn't followed my advice and gone ahead and sent it."
"I did send it," replied the cattle buyer... "I just enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
Attempting to leave a crowded parking lot, the cattle buyer backed into a BMW with his pickup. He got out to assess the damage and observed that in addition to crumpling the BMW's bumper and shattering the headlights, his trailer hitch had smashed the BMW's grill and put a 6 inch hole in the radiator. He also observed that several people in a nearby store were watching him, so he went to his pickup and wrote a short note and put it under the windshield wiper of the BMW. Then he nonchalantly drove away.
An hour later, the BMW's owner returned to see that considerable damage had been done to his car. There was no sign of the offending vehicle, but he was relieved to see that a note had been left on his car. He got the note and read the following...
"Sorry about backing into your BMW. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address, phone number, insurance company, etc. But I'm not."
The cattle buyer was in a big financial trouble... He had bought and contracted several thousand head of cattle thinking the market was headed up, and instead, it nosedived. It was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort, he went to see a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do... Put a beach chair and a Bible in your car and drive up in the mountains to the lake. Take the chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible... The wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer... That will tell you what to do."
A year later the cattle buyer was back to see the priest. The cattle buyer was driving a new Lincoln and wearing a pair of high-dollar boots and an expensive felt hat. The cattle buyer pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket and gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for the advice.
The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the cattle buyer.
"You went to the lake?"
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible on your lap?"
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
"And what were the first words you saw?"
The dean of admissions at a prestigious university's School of Agriculture was interviewing a prospective student...
"What do you plan to do with a degee in agricultural economics and finance?" the dean asked.
"I dream of making millions of dollars buying and trading cattle, like my father," the student replied.
The dean was obviously impressed... "Your father made millions of dollars buying and trading cattle?"
"No," replied the applicant... "But he always dreamed of it."
It had been a tough fall for the cattle buyer. It seemed to him that everything had worked against him... Including the cattle market and his bank. He was so depressed and destressed that his wife insisted that he seek psychiactric help. After an intial consultation, the cattle buyer was required to attend a joint session with two other patients.
"To help me determine your state of mind," said the psychiatrist to the group, "I'm going to start by asking each of you to answer a question." To the woman in the group, he asked, "What is the opposite of sadness?" After careful thought, she responded, "That would be joy."
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked a young man. The young man pondered the question and then cautiously replied, "Elation."
"And you, Sir" the psychiatrist said to the cattle buyer, "How about the opposite of woe?" Wanting to exhibit his razor sharp mind, the cattle buyer answered decisively... "Any fool knows that it's giddy-up."
It was sunup and the rancher and his crew were saddled up and ready to go when a pickup pulling a trailer came streaking down the road toward the pens. "I was afraid of that," said the rancher.
"Afraid of what?" asked one of his neighbors who was there to help.
"That's Jack. He's the guy who bought my cattle. He told me that he might bring a young horse of his that needs riding, but I was hoping he wasn't serious," responded the rancher.
"What's the problem? We can use the help," answered his neighbor.
With a worried look on his face, the rancher said, "Obviously you don't know ol' Jack... When he rides up, it's like two good men riding off."
A woman was driving on a mountain road when she hit an icy spot, slid off the road, and buried her car in a snowdrift. A cattle buyer came along and stopped to help. After some shoveling, he was able to pull her car back onto the road.
"I might have died up here if you hadn't come along. Here's $100 for your help," gushed the grateful woman.
"Shucks... I can't take your money. I'm just glad I could help," drawled the cattle buyer.
The adventurous woman was not only grateful, but very attracted to the gallant and ruggedly handsome cattle buyer. "If I can't show my appreciation with money, how about this?" she purred and began to seductively unbutton her coat and then her dress, exposing her curvaceous body clad in extremely scant and lacy undergarments.
The cattle buyer stared intently and then politely replied, "I guess I'll have to pass... I'd freeze to death up here wearing those things."
A highway patrolman was monitoring traffic from an overpass when he noticed a car coming toward him that kept pulling over and stopping briefly on the shoulder of the road. After about 5 stops within a half-mile, the car finally passed under the overpass and then stopped again. The patrolman pulled up behind the car to see if the driver was experiencing mechanical problems. The patrolman observed a cattle buyer drinking from a bottle wrapped in a brown paper sack. He walked up to the driver's side of the car and motioned to the driver to roll down his window...
"Good day, Sir," said the patrolman, "I need to see your driver's license and proof of insurance."
As he examined the documents amidst the alcohol fumes coming from inside the car, the patrolman said, "Sir, it appears you're drinking and driving."
"Certainly not, Ossifer," the indignant cattle buyer replied... "I pull over and stop every time I take a drink.".
Bart worked for a livestock commission company for several years and decided to go out on his own as an order buyer. He rented a small office in his hometown and hung up a sign. The first day, Bart saw a man about to enter his office and he decided to make a big impression.
He picked up his phone and motioned the man in, all the while talking... "Hell No, I can't change the delivery date on those heifers. I'm booked up solid next week receiving cattle. And you tell that guy with the 2,000 steers that I can't go any higher. That's all they're worth and the way the Board looks, they won't be worth that tomorrow. And another thing... Call that trucking company and tell them if they want my business, they'll have to start being on time."
This went on for almost five minutes. Finally, Bart hung up the phone and turned to the man. "Sorry for the delay... I'm busier than a goat at a Muslim convention. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I'm here to hook up your phone."
Two cattle buyers are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "I'd better head home before it gets too late. Whenever I go home late after I've been out drinking, I turn off the headlights and engine and coast into the driveway. I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
The other cattle buyer says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, and storm into the house. Then I throw my boots onto the floor, jump into bed, belch a time or two for effect, slap her on the rear and say, 'I'm in the mood for lovin'... And she always pretends she's sound asleep!"
A cattle buyer stumbled out of a country bar a little after midnight and took a wrong turn. Instead of heading for his car, he headed downhill towards the nearby creek. About 50 feet before he got to the creek, he hit a lone standing tree head-on. He got up, did a 360, and WHAM... he hit the tree again. This happened 3 or 4 more times. His nose was bleeding, one eye was swelling shut, and his face generally looked like he'd shaved with a rasp.
In pain and frustration, he wailed mournfully to the moon, "Damn the luck... Promised the wife I wouldn't stay out too late and now I'm lost in a forest."
On a cold, stormy night, an airliner on a Trans-Atlantic flight developed engine problems. The pilot announced that 3 engines had failed, that the plane was slowly losing altitude, and crashing into the ocean was inevitable.
An attractive woman stood and said to the other passengers, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman??"
A cattle buyer stood up in the rear of the plane and replied, "I can make you feel like a woman." He slowly removed his shirt and then told her, "Here... Iron this."
A cattle buyer was arguing with an Arab about the Middle East Crisis and the cattle buyer told a story...
"Years before the Israelites came to the Promised Land and settled there, Moses led them for 40 years through the desert. When the Israelites became thirsty, lo and behold, miraculously a stream appeared. They drank their fill and then bathed in the stream. When Moses came out of the water, he found that all of his clothing was missing."
"Who took my clothes?" Moses asked those around him. "It was the Palestinians," replied the Israelites.
"Wait a minute," objected the Arab... "There were no Palestinians during the time of Moses!"
"That's right," replied the cattle buyer... "Now what's your side of the argument?"
A cattle buyer was receiving cattle in the country. He got out of his car and headed for the scale house. Several horses were tied to the fence and as he walked behind the first horse, he slapped him on the rump. The startled horse kicked the cattle buyer soundly on the leg, breaking it in several places.
The cattle buyer contacted his insurance company from the hospital and advised them of the incident. About a week later, he was contacted by the insurance company... "Sir, your claim has been declined," said the insurance rep.
"Now wait one damned minute... It was an accidental injury," exploded the cattle buyer.
The insurance rep calmly replied, "You got kicked by a horse because you surprised it. That's something only a moron would do... And that's a pre-existing condition."
A cattle buyer was in a motel lounge and he started visiting with a salesman. After their 6th drink, the saleman asked the cattle buyer, "You ever say one thing to someone when you meant to say something else?"
"How do you mean?" replied the cattle buyer.
"Well, last week I was at the airport in Philadelphia and I needed to fly to Pittsburgh. The woman at the counter had these enormous breasts... So instead of asking for a ticket to Pittsburgh, I asked for a picket to Tittsburgh."
"I know exactly what you mean," said the cattle buyer. "Why just this morning, I was having breakfast with my wife and I meant to ask her to pass the the jelly. But instead I said... You're ruining my life, you miserable wench!"
The livestock sale was over and a Highway Patrolman noticed that a big group of cattle buyers were congregating at a local bar. He returned at closing time confident that he would make a bust. Sure enough, when the bar closed, the cattle buyers started staggering outside to head home.
The patrolman's attention immediately focused on one particular cattle buyer who was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car. After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes as the other cattle buyers left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. Finally, when he was the last car, he started to drive away.
The patrolman swooped in and pulled the cattle buyer over. He administered a breathalyzer test and was astounded when the device registered a 0.00 reading. "This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the patrolman.
"I doubt it," said the cattle buyer... "It was my turn to be the Designated Decoy."
A cattle buyer was standing in a teller line at the bank when the guy behind him started massaging his back. Startled, the cattle buyer whirled around and snarled, "Just what the Hell are you are doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I decided to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my profession!"
"That's the dumbest damned thing I've ever heard!" the cattle buyer replied. "I'm a cattle buyer... But you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me."
A wealthy heiress married a cattle buyer and after several years of marriage, informed her attorney, “I want you to prepare a Will for me that leaves my entire fortune to my husband… but with the stipulation that he has to remarry within six months of my death.”
“Why such an odd stipulation?” asked the attorney.
The heiress replied, “I want someone to be sorry I died.”
A volunteer for a local charity called on a prosperous cattle buyer in the hope of receiving a generous donation… “Wouldn't you like to give back to your community by making a donation?"
The cattle buyer thought for a moment and said, "Do you know that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the volunteer mumbled, "Uh, no."
"Secondly, my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken volunteer began to stammer an apology but is cut off…
"Thirdly, my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the cattle buyer’s voice rose in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"
The humiliated volunteer, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."
The cattle buyer then said… "If I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"
A policeman observed a cattle buyer stumble out of a bar and start staggering down the street. The cattle buyer was obviously inebriated because he was trying to walk with one foot on the curb and the other in the street.
The policeman pulled up beside the cattle buyer and said, "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to get into the car. There's an ordinance against public drunkenness, but more importantly, you pose a threat to yourself and the public."
Leaning up against the police car, the cattle buyer asked, "Ossifer, are you sure I'm drunk?"
"Yes Sir, I'm positive," replied the cop after looking at the breathalyzer reading.
"Thank goodness," slobbered the cattle buyer... "I was afraid I'd become a cripple."
A cattle buyer bought 100 head of steers that averaged right at $500 per head. Part of the deal was that the rancher would haul them to the cattle buyer’s pens the next day.
The rancher delivered the cattle and told the cattle buyer, “I’ve got some bad news. There’s only 98 head on the truck. Two head got struck by lightning last night.”
After a moment of deep thought, the cattle buyer said, “If I'm going to come out on this deal, I'm going to have make those dead steers bring something. Would you haul them over here so I can raffle them off ?”
Incredulous, the rancher said, “You can’t raffle off dead steers.”
“Sure I can… I just won’t tell anyone they’re dead,” said the cattle buyer.
A month later, the rancher saw the cattle buyer and asked, “What happened with the dead steers?"
“Just like I said… I raffled them off. I sold 100 tickets for $20 each and made $930 on the deal,” smiled the cattle buyer.
“Didn’t anyone complain?” asked the rancher.
“Just the guy who won the raffle… So I gave him his money back plus $50 for his trouble,” said the cattle buyer.
A carload of cattle buyers were driving down a country road at a high rate of speed. A tire blew out and the car careened off the road, went airborne, and struck a tree head-on. A rancher, who was checking his cattle horseback, rode up to the scene of the accident. After a quick assessment of the situation, he rode off and returned shortly on a tractor and proceeded to dig a hole and bury the cattle buyers.
A few days later, the local sheriff was out looking for the missing cattle buyers and saw the wrecked car. He drove to the nearby ranch headquarters and asked the rancher if he knew where the cattle buyers had gone. The rancher told him that he had buried them. Shocked, the sheriff asked the rancher, "They were ALL dead?"
The rancher replied... "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how cattle buyers lie."
A cattle buyer stumbled up to the bar where 3 bartenders were on duty. He told one of them, "Give me a double shot of Wild Turkey and pour drinks for yourself and your buddies." When the cattle buyer got the tab for the drinks, he studied it nervously and finally said, "This could be a problem... I don't have any money on me."
Disgusted, the bartenders slapped him around and threw him out the front door. . A week later, the cattle buyer was back... "Give me a double shot of Wild Turkey." "Aren't you going to buy us one?" sneered the bartender. "Hell No," said the cattle buyer, "You guys can't hold your liquor... You get mean when you drink."
A woman tells her shrink... "I have a dilemma. I'm engaged to be married, but I haven't been totally honest with my family about my fiancé. I haven't told them that he was in a mental institution for 2 years, he's wanted in 3 states for selling child pornography and operating a prostitution ring, and he's a cattle buyer. Taking all of this into consideration, this is my question... How do I tell my family that my fiancé is a cattle buyer?"
A cattle buyer and his wife spent the evening at a local nightclub. On his way home, he is pulled over by a policeman...
"Sir," the cop said to the cattle buyer, "I've been following you ever since you pulled out of the nightclub's parking lot. Is it possible that you've had a little too much to drink?"
"Not just No, but Hell No..." responded the cattle buyer.
"Did you know," said the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Ossifer, I'm glad to hear that." slurred the cattle buyer, "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
A teacher, a thief, and a cattle buyer all die in the same freak accident. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that each prospective entrant has to answer a question correctly before being granted admission.
The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks... “Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?” “That one's easy,” said the teacher, “The Titanic.” “That's correct,” said St.Peter, “you may pass.”
Then the thief got his question... “How many died on the Titanic?” The thief replied, “Fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1,500 people.” And so he passed through.
Last, St. Peter gave the cattle buyer his question... “Name them.”
A doctor and a cattle buyer had a collision on a country road. The cattle buyer, seeing that the doctor was shaken up, helped him from his car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor took a long pull on the flask and handed it back to the cattle buyer, who closed it and put it back in his pocket.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Sure... After the police leave," replied the cattle buyer.
An old cattle buyer was on his death bed and he was obsessed with taking some of his money with him. He called his minister, his lawyer, and his partner to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I'm trusting you to put the money in my coffin."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. As they drove to the cemetery, the minister suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "My envelope only had $20,000 in it because the Church needs $10,000 for roof repair."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the lawyer, "I only put $10,000 in my envelope. I provide free legal services to an orphanage that will soon have to close unless it raises $20,000."
"I'm ashamed of both of you," said the cattle buyer... "I want it known that I put a check in my envelope for the full $30,000."
A man telephoned the cattle buyer's office and said, "I want to speak to Tex." The secretary repled, "I'm sorry, but he died last week."
The next day the same man phoned again and asked the same question. The secretary replied, "I told you yesterday... Tex died last week."
The third day, the man called again and once again asked to speak to Tex. The secretary was getting annoyed and said, "I keep telling you that Tex died last week... Why do you keep calling?"
The man said, "Because I just love hearing it."
Satan appeared before a cattle buyer and made him an offer...
"I can make some changes in your life," Satan said. "I'll increase your income five-fold, your friends' wives will find you to be irresistible, your customers will respect you, you'll have four months of vacation each year, and you'll live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls must suffer in Hell for eternity."
The cattle buyer thought for a moment and said, "What's the catch?"
The cattle buyer had made a lot of money over the years from his shrewd cattle trades. He bought a big ranch and hired a Mexican crew to go around the fences. He loaded the crew foreman into his pickup to show him around.
The Mexican asked him how big the ranch was, and with obvious pride, the cattle buyer said, "You can get in this pickup, drive for 2 hours, and still not get to the backside of my ranch."
The Mexican said, "I understand, Senor... I used to have a pickup like that."
The rancher really disliked cattle buyers... One day as he was driving to town, he saw his minister at the side of the road next to a broken down car. The rancher pulled over and gave the minister a ride. A few miles down the road, the rancher saw a cattle buyer, who's car had also broken down, walking along the side of the road.
Instead of slowing to pick him up, the rancher speeded up and steered to the side of the road so he would hit the cattle buyer. At the last moment, he remembered that the minister was with him, so he swerved back onto the road, but he still felt and heard a bump.
The rancher said, "Reverend, I am so sorry!''
"It's okay," said the Reverend, " I saw that you were going to miss him, so I got him with the door!"
Two mountain lions were trotting down the trail. Every time they came to a pile of elk droppings, the first lion would stop and eat a mouthful. Finally, in disgust, the second lion asked the first lion "Why do you keep doing that?" The first lion replied, "Well, I ate a cattle buyer yesterday and I can't get the taste out of my mouth."
Rex was a cattle buyer and he decided that since he wore boots and a Stetson all the time, he should own a horse. He heard about an old Mexican man who had a horse for sale and gave him a call. The old man said the horse was well broken, gentle enough for his grandchildren to ride, and that he wanted $250 for him. Suspiciously, Rex said, "$250 isn't much for that kind of horse. What's wrong with him?" The old man said, "He don't look so good."
Because the price was right, Rex decided to go over and take a look at the horse. The old Mexican man took him out to the corral and there was a teenage granddaughter leading a good-looking bay gelding around with a piece of baler twine and 3 little kids on his back. Rex had seen enough... he slapped leather, peeled off $250 in cash before the old man could raise the price, and included $20 extra for delivery.
The next morning, the gelding was in his corral. He went out, saddled him up, and rode down to the creek... where the bay immediately walked off the creek bank. As they fell 5 feet into the water, Rex bailed off and watched in dismay as the horse got up, ran down the creek until he bounced off a big boulder, took a left and hit a tree dead-on and then stood there, shaking. The cattle buyer realized the horse was blind. He led the horse home, unsaddled him, went to the house and immediately called the old Mexican man. "Why didn't you tell me that the horse was blind?" he demanded. The old man said, "I did, Senor. I told you he don't look so good."
Hank spent his entire life ranching. He worked hard and was a good husband and father. When he passed on, St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates and congratulated him on his honorable and productive life. As a reward, St. Peter took him to a ranch in Heaven and told Hank it was his for eternity. It was the best ranch Hank had ever seen... good grass, lots of water, nice home, barns, corrals and stocked with good cattle, horses, and equipment.
One fall afternoon, St. Peter noticed Hank was in town and he could tell something was wrong. He caught up with Hank and asked him if he had a problem. Hank replied, "I sure do... It's time to sell my calves, but I've looked all over up here and I can't find a single cattle buyer."
A prosperous cattle buyer was summoned to his attorney's office...
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said. "Give me the bad news first." said the cattle buyer. "Your wife found a picture worth a million dollars." said the lawyer. "That's the bad news?" laughed the cattle buyer. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news." The lawyer replied, "Oh, I think you can... the terrible news is that the picture is of you and your secretary!"
Two cattle buyers are out in the woods hunting deer when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other cattle buyer whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm, soothing voice says, “Just take it easy… I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead.” There is silence... then a shot is heard. The cattle buyer says, “OK, now what?”